I don't know about you, but I hate being told that I'm wrong about something.
Not because I think I'm always right, I know a lot better than that. But, I unfortunately tend to take every question against my decisions, actions, words, etc. really personally. Something inside of me that longs for approval from everyone is really hurt whenever someone corrects me. For whatever reason, I have a hard time mentally reconciling that my actions don't define who I am, and so if a friend or loved one brings something to my attention I take it as a mark against how much they love me or "approve" of me.
I understand that this is FAR from God's best for me, but sometimes our largest blind spots can only be revealed by a miraculous "scales off of the eyes" (Acts 9:18) moment. I think I had that moment like that this week.
Subconsciously, I think I've proceeded in my walk with Jesus thinking that there would be a moment when I've "made it", and I don't have to do the hard work of healing and surrendering. I stopped drinking, surrendered my career, and even began participating in spiritual disciplines that strengthen my relationship with Jesus, so I can't be that far from the moment I can start coasting, right?
I didn't even realize that was a mindset I held. But the issue there is after you stop the external "big" sins, you have scars, and wounds, and trauma. Just because your actions look different, doesn't mean your heart is free from the pain sin introduces into your life. I've lived for years as a Christ-follower thinking certain relationships and habits I had didn't really affect me. Turns out, God just loves me enough to wait to show me the depth of my scars until He knows I can handle it.
Which brings me back to my initial point: I hate being corrected, because it makes me feel unloved, unseen, and un-chosen by whoever is correcting me. So when the loving voice of Jesus tells me, "You can't behave like this anymore in relationships," or "You're still idolizing external validation," I get really frustrated. I found myself saying multiple times last week "I just want God to stop showing me these areas I have to change! I'm so exhausted!" It took a lot of prayer to realize what was actually happening.
Somehow, in my flawed little mind I equated God wanting to change me to Him not loving who I am right now. I saw these quiet nudges from Him as a representation of me not being enough to be loved right now, and that I needed to fix these things ASAP to be more loved. Let me tell you that was the most backwards lie from the pit of hell! God spoke truth to me one night and it made everything so much clearer, and it was so much more in line with who He is: He doesn't change me because He doesn't love me, He just wants to set me free from the parts of myself that aren't from Him.
All of the trust issues, insecurities, loneliness, escape habits, and attachments didn't come from Him. Neither did the laziness, greed, lack of motivation, or hopelessness about my future. He doesn't want to "change" Mati, He wants to show me the Mati He created me to be. And in order to do that, some baggage has gotta go.
There's multiple examples of God doing this same thing with the Israelites in the Old Testament. Before He brought them into a new place on their journey to the promised land, He'd have them destroy the old idols and items of worship that were there before. God loved them too much to have old baggage laying around. And He knew that keeping the old baggage around was only a temptation for them to sin and stray away from God's best.
So, if we know we're on a journey to beautiful, wonderful and exciting things God has for us, why wouldn't He do the same for us? It was a beautiful realization to me that God never reveals sin or trauma in our life to make us feel bad about ourselves, but it's always because He wants to free us from that bondage. We can't proceed any further on our journey with old mindsets, hurts, and wounds that need to be healed!
That doesn't make tapping into the pain any less uncomfortable. But rest assured, if God is revealing something in you, it's always because He wants to redeem that in you.